Stll Here
by Kalira69
Summary: Gai has spent years watching Kakashi slip away behind ANBU masks, but he couldn't bear to lose him for good. Even if Kakashi ends up hating Gai for begging his dismissal from the elite squad.


Written for a request from an _angsty-ish dialogue prompt list_ for AngelCamael/Lopithecus. One of three submitted at once, so come back soon if you're interested in the others. ;)

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"Ah, Rival!" Gai called, hopping up mid-stretch and waving to his friend passing by.

Kakashi glanced his way, but didn't respond otherwise. Gai frowned slightly. Kakashi seemed. . . More preoccupied than usual, perhaps?

Gai hopped the fence surrounding the small training field he had been using and trotted off towards Kakashi. "Kakashi!" he called as he caught up, reaching out to pat Kakashi's shoulder only to pull up short when he stiffened and tilted his head sharply, glaring. "What troubles you, Rival?" he asked, stepping courteously back, thrown by Kakashi's obvious animosity.

"I believe you already know that." Kakashi said coldly, his eye a flat grey despite the glare he was still directing at Gai.

Gai shook his head slightly, frowning. "I am afraid I do not. Have-" he faltered. "Have I done something?" he asked tentatively.

Kakashi's eye narrowed. "Done something? Yes! It's all _your_ fault!" He stepped aside, raising his chin as his spine straightened, drawing him up to his full height, barely shy of Gai's own. "I've been _forcibly retired_. The Hokage informs me he thinks I'll be _of more use_ training a genin team, and he's . . . concerned for me." His expression twisted beneath the mask, but Gai fought down a surge of relief.

Kakashi was out of ANBU. Finally. Gai had watched his best rival and dearest friend be dragged down by the missions he took for ANBU and the weight he carried there for years, wishing he could stop it, wishing Kakashi would leave the elite squad.

"Oh." Gai licked his lips, feeling a stab of guilt - Kakashi was clearly _very unhappy_ \- following after the blessed relief of knowing Kakashi was finally out. "Kakashi, that is-"

" _That_ is _all_ _your_ _fault_!" Kakashi snarled, his eye blazing with fury.

Gai lifted his chin, not backing down. Despite the distress it caused, it was actually reassuring to see that in Kakashi's expression - over his years wearing the ANBU masks, both physical and emotional, he had become . . . very quiet and very cold, showing almost no reaction no matter the situation. Gai had never and _would_ never give up on his Eternal Rival, but a very small voice hidden deep inside him had begun to wonder if Kakashi _could_ be brought back, any more.

"Now now, Rival!" Gai crowed, pulling on a grin in spite of the sting from Kakashi's anger. He'd known he was courting it. "To guide and mould young ninja is not only a Sacred Trust of our Duty as Jounin but a True Delight!"

"I have never _wanted_ to teach." Kakashi snapped, eye narrowing again.

"You will make a wonderful sensei, Kakashi." Gai assured his friend, though it did nothing to calm him. Gai also hoped that taking on a genin team would . . . remind Kakashi of his heart, which he had tried to hide away and deny for so long, and maybe give him more people to hold on to.

Gai's beloved students had become like family; something Gai and Kakashi both had precious little of, in any sense. He hoped Kakashi's eventual team would become the same for him.

"I was good where I was." Kakashi said, shaking his head. "How the Hokage could think it would be a good use of _my_ time to deal with Academy-green brats. . ."

Gai frowned, but he knew Kakashi too well to accept that as it sounded. "It was not only for the students, who I _know_ you will guide and protect valiantly!" he insisted. "But also for _you_ , Kakashi."

"Gai. . ." Kakashi said warningly.

"Kakashi, you are my precious rival and I . . . dare say I know you better than many in Konoha." Gai said carefully as Kakashi looked up at him, surprise replacing the sullen, angry look on his face. "And I have worried for you greatly. It was not a good place for you, my friend. Please."

"I. . . I was _fine_." Kakashi said, but as accomplished a liar as he was, he wouldn't look Gai in the face as he said it. "They needed me in ANBU. They _still_ need me." he added with another quick glare at Gai before looking away again.

"You were using ANBU to hide." Gai said, more fiercely than he might usually address Kakashi on this point. It certainly startled _him_ \- he actually met Gai's gaze again, with a faint look of shock. "Kakashi - how long would it have been before _Kakashi_ never came back from _Hound_?" Gai asked, biting back a distressed whine at the thought.

Kakashi snapped out of his shock and restructured his expression into the fierce glare, then-

It dissolved again after barely a moment. "I-" Kakashi shook his head, looking away.

"Kakashi-" Gai began, unwilling to give way. If Kakashi kept fighting the decision, the Hokage might allow his return to ANBU. Gai wasn't sure if the Sandaime had truly agreed with him about the danger continuing in ANBU posed to Kakashi, or how strongly. Kakashi being forced out gave a window to maybe, finally, convince him it was wrong for him, and Gai was determined not to lose his friend.

"I don't know." Kakashi said weakly. Gai's chest seized painfully. Both with horror at the confirmation of what he had suspected, and shock that Kakashi had _admitted_ it. "It. . . Being Hound is- Easier. Hound must do what need be done."

"Kakashi is more than a weapon." Gai countered, reaching out to Kakashi and then stopping, uncertain if his touch would be welcome. Kakashi had been very angry with him and now seemed almost fragile.

"We are shinobi." Kakashi almost spat. "We are _all_ weapons, Gai." He arched an eyebrow. "Even you know that." he said, though there was no sting to the words.

"Weapons in the Hokage's hands." Gai agreed, nodding. "But we are more than that, too. If we lose that, the heart that drives us, what do we become?"

"What _are_ shinobi." Kakashi said almost dully, and Gai could not help but touch him then, gently clasping his upper arm.

"We are still human, Kakashi." Gai said, heart aching and throat tight. "We must be, or become monsters."

"Gai. . ." Kakashi fell into Gai's arms and he wrapped his friend up tightly in them. "I don't. . . I don't know what to. . ."

"I know- I know you did not wish to leave ANBU," Gai said slowly; it was an argument they had raked over fruitlessly many times over the years as Gai tried to reach his friend, convince him, "but Kakashi, I had become so very afraid for you. You were slipping away and not coming back. I cannot be sorry that you will not slide that mask on any more. I knew you might hate me for it, if the Sandaime even listened to me, but I could not-" his voice cracked.

Kakashi's arms suddenly tightened around him, almost painfully. Gai's breath caught and he did not go on speaking.

Kakashi snorted, nosing his shoulder with a small whuff. "I couldn't hate you, Gai." he said, voice low. "If I could I would have managed it a long time ago." he added dryly. "Hell, I certainly tried."

Gai laughed through the beginnings of tears, well aware of what Kakashi meant. He had been a nuisance, perhaps, dogging after Kakashi all the time, begging for his attention.

Kakashi shifted against him, jaw prodding uncomfortably into his shoulder. "Were you really so worried about me?" he asked after a few moments, and Gai pressed his lips together firmly, taking a deep breath. He thought of all the times he had spoken to Kakashi about his concerns, had _tried_ , and then of the icy mask that over the years in ANBU Kakashi had begun to wear more and more of the time. Becoming harder and harder to reach beyond that barrier he wrapped around himself.

"I truly was." Gai said softly, sincere. "I was afraid you would be lost, and Kakashi . . . I could not face that." he said as Kakashi drew back enough to meet his gaze again. He made a low sound of confusion and Gai hugged him tighter. "I couldn't face losing _you_ , Kakashi." he repeated, chest aching at the thought.

Kakashi watched Gai with an unreadable expression for a minute or two, then nosed his cheek, leaning into him heavily. "I'm still here." he said, and though he sounded tired, he at least sounded like _himself_. He kissed Gai softly without lowering his mask, and Gai's eyes widened. "You won't lose me, Gai. Not like that, anyway." he added with a slightly sardonic smile.

Gai swallowed thickly, rubbing one hand up and down Kakashi's back. He sighed and rested his chin against Gai's shoulder again, making no move to pull away, to Gai's surprise and pleasure.

"I don't know what. . ." Kakashi began, then trailed off.

"To do with yourself?" Gai asked softly. Kakashi gave a low _hm_ that could be read as agreement. "Teach your students, Kakashi. Spend time with your friends." he said, clearing his throat and letting his hand trail up Kakashi's spine. "Find yourself again."


End file.
